


what if it's us?

by the_mixed_up_files_of_me



Series: It's Not So Impossible [1]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: College!Evan and Zoe, F/M, set a year after the final act of DEH
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-06
Updated: 2017-08-11
Packaged: 2018-12-11 20:48:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,986
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11722275
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_mixed_up_files_of_me/pseuds/the_mixed_up_files_of_me
Summary: "If she talks to him again, she is keenly aware of the fact that it won't be the last time. Tracing her finger across the cuffs of her jeans, Evan reminds her of the stars she draws on them; ink permanently embedded onto her, permanently latched."





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! I'm back again with another Zoevan fic! This one will actually be two chapters long because I got pretty carried away and realised that I needed to split it in half. I'll post the second chapter as soon as I finish editing it, in a day or so. 
> 
> Happy reading! Xx

Rain batters endlessly against the windows, streaming down the glass in thin rivers. Zoe pours steaming water into her cup, absentmindedly watching the lavender purple tea swirl around with each rotation of her spoon. Bringing it to her lips and taking a sip, it's a soothing balm her her tired body.

Nights like this, after an impossibly long day, make the thoughts in her mind so much more apparent.

Pushing the impending thoughts away, Zoe moves towards the window seat and curls up in the corner. College is taking it's toll on her; having the dorm room to herself tonight is a miracle that she savours immensely.

But without her roommate to chatter away and keep Zoe's thoughts at bay, the loneliness begins to creep in, louder and louder.

It's slow and subtle, the thoughts beginning to run in circles in her mind. _Every time I'm alone, this seems to happen_ , Zoe thinks with regret. Temptation to reach for her phone is unbearable; she wants to hear his voice, wants him to just be here with her.

The last time she saw Evan was two months before. Each day stretches a little longer afterwards; seeing him again that day at the orchard is either her best choice or her worst.

After everything that transpired between them, she thought that she'd never be able to even look him in the eyes again. Everything had been still up in the air; meeting him again was not wanted but necessary.

She still can paint a mental picture of when she saw him standing there that day. Maybe time helped heal the wounds; Zoe vividly remembers looking into Evan's eyes as though she finally saw him for the first time. Anger did not rise, neither did pain. Hating him would be too easy and nothing in Zoe Murphy's life has ever been easy. The scenario that unfolded was a soft, bittersweet goodbye between two people who shared memories that they both will never forget.

Goodbye to Evan Hansen? Forever? Zoe can't process this idea. He'd been a facet to her life since she started school. College split everyone at high school apart into their separate ways, as it always does, but has her path with Evan been completely ripped away? It would be impossible to imagine.

If she talks to him again, she is keenly aware of the fact that it won't be the last time. Tracing her finger across the cuffs of her jeans, Evan reminds her of the stars she draws on them; ink permanently embedded onto her, permanently latched.

In a move that is a mix between brashness and impulse, setting aside her abandoned cup of tea, she gets up and reaches for her keys.

-

Swinging open his door, Evan never expected Zoe to be on the other side.

His lips part; he tries to formulate something to say to express his surprise, but he comes up empty.

"Hi." Zoe almost whispers, her voice trembling more than it should. The second his warm eyes lock with her's, the moment that seemed impossible suddenly feels incredibly real.

It's really him. Standing in the doorway of his dorm room, he seems different. _Maybe it's his posture_ , Zoe reflects, _the way he carries himself_. His typically hunched shoulders always made him seem to fold inward and be smaller than he actually is. He hasn't miraculously changed over the past months, but only in subtle ways that just Zoe would notice.

"How did you know what college I'm at?" Evan tilts his head at her. "Aren't you...an hour away?"

"Jared told me where you are, a little while ago when I ran into him." Zoe shifts; he isn't exactly warm and friendly. At least he's doing better for himself now now, she can sleep at night knowing that. Sincerely, she adds, "I'm glad you're living at your college here, this is really good for you."

"It's been better than I thought it would be. My roommate is nice so that's cool. I'd introduce you but he's out on a date and the apartment is kind of a mess. What about you?"

"Mine talks a lot, but she's really pretty nice to be around. She's made the adjusting a lot easier for me."

Evan nods. There's a pause, the kind of pause that falls between two people who have a million things to say to each other and a million reasons not to. Zoe's eyes begin to burn, her throat feels tight. _This is a crushing mistake. I should have just left our last time together as it was, never dragged up old memories._

"Are you okay?" Evan's gentle voice breaks through her thoughts. His initial hesitation is replaced by instinctual compassion. No matter what has happened, time itself can't change the fact that she will always be _the_ Zoe Murphy, the one he'd do anything for. For better or for worse.

Evan places his hand on her shoulder. Zoe wants nothing more than to melt back into it, his familiar and comforting touch that no one else's can compare to. It's been so long, so, so long since she's felt his touch. Swallowing back the tension, she murmurs, "This is a mistake."

"What is?" He steps closer in concern, his hand sliding down her arm to grasp her fingers in his. A gesture he's done a hundred times before. Tangling their fingers together, Zoe keeps her gaze trained on them. Not meeting his eyes makes this easier to handle, she decides.

Zoe's voice is barely audible as she wishes that she doesn't have to hear her own words. "I thought that if I saw you one more time...it would make things easier. I really should go now, this is all wrong."

There's a pause, long and heavy. Evan doesn't want to let her hand go and she desperately wants him to keep his fingers locked around her's forever.

"I need to leave." Zoe doesn't try to conceal the thickness in her voice, not at this point. Exhausted from the inside out, she closes her eyes a moment to will the tears away.

Evan sounds as desperate as she feels on the inside, "Please...please don't."

 _Of course_ , Zoe reasons, _the logical thing to do is to insist and turn away. The logical thing is to let this all go and move forward. Put one foot in front of the other and walk out of here._ She's trying to do what her mind says makes the most sense but her heart can't catch up. It never will, she knows this. Logic, reservations, overthinking things...she leaves it all behind as she hears herself blurt out, "Please don't let me leave, Evan."

Evan meets her eyes finally. His chest rises and falls methodically for a second, processing her words. The grasp his hand has around her's tightens; his other hand reaches forward to touch her flushed cheek. It's cool and delicate as he traces a finger across her skin, his face so close that she can feel his breath and see the patterns of colour in his eyes.

Zoe feels the air escape her lungs as he brushes his lips against her's; a timid and soft whisper of a kiss. Slow, never rushing, as if he's afraid that she'll slip between his fingers and disappear altogether. The gaping and persistent need for his physical contact after all of this time is unbearable to resist. The tension, the barriers between them that so shakily stand, snap and crumple down. Zoe isn't sure who makes the shift, but everything around her seems to fade out as their lips meet again, the kiss deepening and sending waves of relief through her. She's missed this more than she can fully explain to him. The ache in her chest begins to dissolve, the anxieties in her mind unravelling as he holds onto her without any more hesitation.

The kiss is broken as Evan whispers, "What now?"

A simple question. Straightforward. Zoe knows that that question has to be asked before anything stops or progresses.

Zoe brushes her mouth against his again, tentative and gentle. "Remember before? When it was only us?"

Of course he remembers. "Just you and me." Absently brushing his fingers through her hair in the way he always did, her breath hitches in her throat and she catches his hands in her's again. He leans forward, resting his forehead against her's, clasping her hands against his chest.

It's all more than she can dare to hope. "We can just watch the whole world disappear."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Please leave a comment or kudos if you enjoyed this. Xx


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, readers! Thank you for all your sweet comments on my last chapter. I'm here with the final one! I already have a few other Zoe x Evan fics in my drafts right now so be prepared for more soon <3 Happy reading!

Blue light spills across the white sheets as the early morning light slips through the cracks of the curtains. Zoe's eyes slowly adjust to the dim light. It can't be past five in the morning.

Everything is quiet. This is the first time in a while that quietness doesn't feel suffocating. Zoe turns over, her gaze coming to rest on Evan's sleeping form. Zoe can't remember the last time he's looked so at peace. Moving herself closer to him, her eyes trace over his features. His dark eyelashes, the way his hair is tousled across his forehead, the soft curves of his lips. Zoe commits this to memory, not wanting to forget a moment of this.

Especially considering the conversation that they put off last night that inevitably will be dealt with today. They're going to have to talk; really talk.

 _It can wait a little longer_ , Zoe decides, falling back against the pillows.

"Are you just going to keep staring?" Evan groggily asks her, his eyes flickering open. "I mean, if you really want to, that's fine but it's kind of early..."

Zoe's cheeks dimple as she smiles at him. "I'm sorry if I woke you up."

"I'm just glad you're still here," Evan honestly and sleepily replies, beginning to run his fingers through her hair as she tucks herself deeper into his arms. Twisting her locks gently, he waits for Zoe to initiate the necessary conversation that has to answer the giant question.

"What now?" Zoe buries her head against his chest, shutting her eyes and listening to his heartbeat. It's soothing to her, a reminder that he is in fact really here with her at last.

"Zoe, there's something I need to ask you first...that came out wrong. I just mean that maybe we should be on the same terms about something. That way there isn't any confusion or doubts or anything--"

"The Connor Project?"

A pause. "Yeah."

Zoe has had plenty of time to think about this. It's all she's been thinking about, for the past year. She chooses her words with care, ones that she's dwelt on endlessly. "It took me a really long time to forgive you."

Evan's listening; he's always been a good listener for Zoe, she recalls that part of their relationship clearly. He doesn't interrupt or intrude before she finishes what she has to say, something that most people do.

"I understand though," Zoe continues, lifting her head so she can look him in the eyes. "I'm trying not to view everything in a black and white way. I see your side of things a lot clearer now than before...I don't think there was ever just two sides to everything that happened."

"I am so, so sorry, Zoe." She can practically feel the pain in his voice. "One of my biggest regrets about everything was losing you and your family."

Her eyes prickle with emotion, holding his gaze with her's. "Who's to say that you lost me?" she murmurs, trying for a lighter tone to cover over any possibility of tears.

Evan starts to speak but his trembling voice makes his words indiscernible; he tries again, managing, "I never thought...never imagined that you and me and _us_ would turn out like this."

Zoe exhales slowly, stabilising her breathing. Reaching over, she brushes her knuckles against his face; they come away damp with tears, enough to inspire another threat of her own.

They're separated by insurmountable obstacles and history.

Afraid to say the wrong thing and mess things up again, Evan doesn't say anything; he can't and he doesn't want to. All he can do is silently gently run his fingertips across her porcelain soft skin and wait for the answer to reveal itself on it's own time.

Thoughts swirl around in Zoe's mind; what can be and what can never be.

"I don't want you to leave," Evan immediately replies before swiftly amending, "That sounds really needy and desperate, I'm sorry, I mean that I--" Coming to a full stop, he is incapable of formulating the exact words needed to describe it. He wants to hold her close and tell her about everything, retrace the steps of their pasts that have lead them to this moment. Tell her how much he has missed her, how aware he is that their lives are so separate now, explain to her how he wishes that the entire Connor Project had never come to fruition in the first place, confess to her that out of all the things that have happened to him, she remains the most important.

Despite his efforts to move forward over the past year, his mind still wandered to thinking about her every single day. The memories flared up over the simplest things; a sunset, a good book, an interesting fact, a flower...impulsively his mind always leapt to the thought 'I have to show Zoe this'. And there was a time, during that time they were together, he would have picked the flower for her, brought her outside to see the sunset, told her all the things on his mind while she listened attentively. The thoughts of her had kept him company as best as thoughts can in someone's absence.

The space in his life without her had grown more pressing every single day that passed, the silence had grown louder and louder.

And now she's not just a thought; she's real and the quiet doesn't hurt so much.

Evan finally says the inevitable. "I wish things had been different for us. I wish we were ordinary."

"Oh Evan," Zoe replies with a mixture of amusement and resignation, "We've never been ordinary and never will be."

Evan presses a kiss on the top of her head and lingers, breathing in her soft, familiar scent. So this must be it; all they ever will be and all they ever were. Like the stars she draws on the cuffs of her jeans; glittering and sparkling at first but washed out over time.

"Clean the slate and start over." Zoe hardly annunciates this; it's a whisper, a half-plea. "You and I said that once."

"I remember."

"Why can't we do that again?" Zoe can't restrain the innocent, unbridled hope that her young mind has any longer. "Why can't we just move forward, together? We're different people now. Things are different. You're different, I'm different."

Evan's throat begins to burn; he wants nothing more than to say yes. Connor is still there though, the unspoken wall between them that tore everything apart at the seams. He can't bring himself to make Zoe live with a daily reminder of what she has lost, he did that already and he still hasn't forgiven himself for it. Exhaling a long, shaky breath, he tells her, "I don't think we can do this. You and me. It's not...it isn't right if we had our chance already."

"If we had our chance already, we wouldn't be together in bed right now," Zoe says in a particularly logical tone that makes them both laugh. There's unbeatable truth to her words.

Silence fills every corner of the room, streaming in with the early rays of sunlight, as Zoe and Evan's minds drift back to chances, dares and leaps of faith. Everything they've had to endure to be together right now. Breaking the silence, Evan confesses the words that have rested on his tongue since he first saw her, "I wish we met that day at the orchard. For real."

Zoe has had her share of time to replay that day over and over again. Enough time to let the words come naturally, without a shred of hesitation. "When you first came to our house that night right after Connor...passed away...I saw the version of Evan Hansen that you created. I knew aspects of you and your personality, the parts you let break through the facade, but I never looked you in the eyes and saw only you. I just saw a reminder of my brother and I saw someone that was completely lost." Zoe faces him, quietly continuing, "That day at the orchard, I saw you and only you for the first time. You were just... _you_. You are you now, no one else. And that's enough. That's the person I want to be with."

Evan's lips part; a clear sentence struggles to form in his mind. A few gentle phrases strung together from her and every doubt and fear has dissolved from their fire into waves of calmness. Words fail him altogether, leaving him there with nothing but utter relief and admiration for her forgiveness and compassion. Her arms envelop him; burying her face against his shoulder, Zoe is unsurprised by her own emotions pressing into her eyes.

"It'll be us." Evan's voice is glowing, she can feel his joy without seeing him.

"And only us," Zoe promises. Too many years have been spent on silent tears. Trembling, feeling utter and unrelenting happiness crash through her mind and heart, Zoe closes her eyes and lets herself breathe. Absorbing the warm light that spills across their entwined bodies, reflections of light come pouring into the room.

Morning light is finally breaking through the hazy sky, the rays of sun dabbling pink and blue watercolours onto the sky that seems to reach out for forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so, so much for reading! Xoxo

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and kudos are always appreciated! Feel free to contact me at my tumblr pxggycxrters.tumblr.com.


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